Losing Someone You Love

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

I wrote something in a completely different point of view and decided to delete it.
It's been 13 years since my father passed and I'm still struggling.

We lived a life that my mom would describe as "sempurna" (perfect), my two older siblings and I got everything we could ever possibly wanted, we lived in a beautiful house, we were able to go on nice vacations at least twice a year. My father was everything any daughter could've hoped for and more.

After he passed away, not much changed. We just stopped going on frequent vacations, we stopped going to fancier restaurants, but we were still able to get everything we need, financially, my father's companies still supported us for years even after he passed. If it wasn't because of him, we probably would've given up so much and left with nothing, because Mom stopped working since she had me, but because my father spent his life working for his family which in the end I guess partly caused him to get cancer, we managed to live comfortably and we had more than enough.

It's really difficult to write this post coherently but I'll try because I need this to get out there.

Losing him after only knowing him for 7 years often makes me think how unfair life is, especially since he had to endure so much pain for 2 years before he passed. He was perfect. Out of all the everyone in the world, why my father? Why did God make him go through all that? It really never makes sense.

Losing someone so important to you makes you ask so many questions. I miss him everyday. There's not a day that goes by without me missing my Dad, he's everything to me. I always wonder what life would be if he was here? I'd probably be studying in a university in another part of the world, or maybe even already building my own business, I don't know, but it would've been a lot better. What hurts most is that I have questions only he can answer, but he's not here anymore, so I can never know what the answers are. Growing up without a dad and without guidance about what our future should be is really difficult.

It's emotionally draining, to always miss someone that much. It's painful, especially for someone like me who has a lot of mental issues. Whenever something happens, whenever I feel inadequate, unsuccessful, worthless, whenever I feel like I'm a shame to this family (which happens quite a lot recently), I blame his passing, if he was here everything would've been a lot better (I know this is wrong, but I'm here to tell my story and how it hurts me, not how I deal with it, let me). Nothing equals to this feeling I've had for the last 13 years.

"What can I do to help?"
1. Don't look at me like you pity me after you find out I lost my Dad.
2. Stop with the ignorant questions, such as "Masih inget gak sama Papanya? Kalau masih kecil sih belum ngerti, ya"

Much love,

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