Becoming Myself.

Wednesday, 5 November 2014

Let's go back to the times when I wrote a lot of thoughts in this blog.
Writing about travels is easy, try poking out your mind and see what comes out.

This post is inspired by the amazing Troye Sivan. He posted a video called Becoming You.

Because of this video, I have the courage to speak up and write this post. It captures everything I've been feeling. I love it when someone put my feelings into words perfectly. I have been living in a box for too long, I don't want to be in here for another second. Troye will never read this, but he has helped me so much. Thank you, Troye.

I have been living to do what people expect me to do until recently when I decided to ditch dentistry school to pursue what I want, (this is super scary to write, please keep only nice thoughts) which is make up.

A street artist in Fremantle, Perth, Australia

I may not look like the one to be crazy about it, but I do. A few days ago I found a channel that's dedicated to vintage beauty videos archive (like, actual footage from the 30s) and I almost cried. I look through fashion magazines analysing the details of the make up from the Dior ad. The history inspires me more than anything else I know. I can sit for hours swatching, re swatching, and admiring every single shade of eyeshadow and lipstick I own. I look up to Pat McGrath because there's no one else that can be her, ever (the latex paint from Dior Fall 2014 still haunts me to this day). I want to see my work on the cover of Vogue, on the face of Lara Stone or Lindsey Wixson (both are my muse). I want to direct shows on Indonesia Fashion Week or other prestigious fashion weeks for that matter (the fashion scene in our country is top notch right now, seeing pictures from Bazaar Fashion Festival from a few weeks ago really inspires me). I dream of assisting Lisa Eldridge at any point of my career, even 10 years from now I think I'll still squeal with joy if I get the chance. I want make up to be the tool for me to reach my dreams, one dream at a time.

The thing about make up is it gives me control to express whatever I want, to visualize what I have inside my head. It gives me complete control of my artistry, and in the end realising that not everyone will understand my artistry, and I'm (trying to be) fine with it. Everyone's artistry is different, none of those legendary artists are the same. I went to a local make up school (which wasn't the best, I don't recommend) and I got to do people's make up everyday, although not in the most glamorous setting, not on the most famous faces, but it did nurture my love for the industry. There are so many possibilities. It pushes me to be creative, it makes me feel good, it makes me feel something. So many people live their lives being robots from paycheck to paycheck, I don't want that. And I don't want to be the artist who just makes 'perfect' eyebrows (perfectly arched, fully filled, concealers above and underneath, you know, those you see a lot on instagram which seems to be all the rage right now), I want to be more. I want to be different, I will be different. Familiar with Mary Greenwell's approach to make up? She's legend.

Another thing about it though? It's been difficult.
When you've been living your life as the girl who's always been academically, uhm, satisfying, on top of the class, generally never failed, always gets what she wanted, and then one day just decide to step out of the system and dream to discover more, I knew it was going to be hella difficult. Especially for someone who's really insecure like I am (I'm not celebrating insecurity, it is not fun, it eats you) and was always told to "be successful" like everybody else, who's compared to the achievements of her cousins, it is difficult. I have been clueless as to what step I should take. People in this side of the world don't take me seriously because I lived my life on the other side. I know they don't take me seriously because I don't take me seriously too. I don't tell people what I want, I have been so secretive about this part of me because I'm really scared that I show people this side of me more, they won't like it. Everyone around me wants me to be the smart girl who's in dentistry school and will be a dentist. It's a parent's dream! It's easier if I didn't get out. Heck, my mom lies to my relatives about what I'm doing right now. I'm drowned in people's expectations, I'm scared, I can't start. I know where to start, I just never thought I had the power to go through the struggle, to see myself change (see the irony? It's not actually change, it's me becoming who I am, although I also love school and studying, but dentistry is not for me), to answer people's questions, to (insert other things here, there's a LOT). I have been spending months on the bed, scared, motivated but clueless, alone, not knowing who to turn to. I know what I have inside of me, I'm just scared of expressing it. "Scared", it's a toxic word. I don't know if you can understand what I'm trying to express here, I hope you do.

I'm going to say a scary thing right here: I'm going to start now. I'm going to start creating myself. (In the words of Troye, "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself)
I'm going to start uploading what I love to instagram, or even to YouTube, to this blog, I don't know. If people are going to diss me for doing it, if I'm going to lose friends, if people are going to be talking about me on my back, so be it. I'm going to be the person I've always been terrified with, but also obsessed with, which is my true self (paraphrasing Troye). I will make cool shit. If people aren't going to give me opportunities, I'll create them myself. I'll make sure the world can access my artistry, eventhough not all of them can understand it, can understand me, I'll just do it.

Writing this post have been both frightening and liberating.

Much love.

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