Happy Mothers' Day, Mama.

Monday, 22 December 2014

Every time I want to write about my family, I never think twice but to use pictures from the time when my Dad was still here. I would always try to keep him as close to us as possible. I don't know why I refer to my life when my Dad's still around as 'that time' as if it happened in another lifetime. It does feel like a lifetime ago. Everything's changed so much and growing up without a father means that I never had options that my friends had.
I wanted to have my father to guide me through my life's decisions but he wasn't there. I just never had options. So yes, it was a lifetime ago. Our lives are different after he passed.

For a child to lose a parent forever, it's terrible, no children should ever go through such thing. But these things happen. I can never quite understand how some families have to go through this and some don't, who decides 'oh this family should lose a member forever that'd be good'? That's just cruel.

Anyways, as a fatherless (or motherless) child, we go through the pain and think it's the most painful thing to ever happen to you, to lose someone so important. People give us enormous sympathy that often we forget that the parent who's left behind (in this case my mom, who was 38 at the time), bears the most pain among us all. There's no fair measurement of the pain my mom had to go through. She was left with 3 kids who were all in school, a big house, 4 cars, 2 companies my father built from scratch (that she never worked at), and everything else. My father used to take care of absolutely everything, and suddenly my mom's left with this responsibility that she could not run away from. She had to go through it. She was not asked if she wanted it, it was never her option to take care of a family without the father of her kids. In a perfect world, no matter how strong a woman is, this does not happen to them. To anyone.

My mom had to be strong for us. Of course she used to cry every night when everyone else was asleep, but that did not mean she was weak. If my mother was not strong, we would have fallen apart. It's because of her that we lived as comfortably as we did, my siblings and I all graduated university, and we grew up responsibly-- none of us were 'broken'. I could never imagine how it must feel for my mom to wake up everyday and see my father in the eyes of my siblings & I. I can only say that maybe it's bittersweet, sometimes it reminds her of her pain, but also she's always reminded of how blessed she is to be given the chance to build a family with a man as great as my father.

The closer it is to my wedding, the more I know that I can never see a life without my fiance, that if he's suddenly taken away from me forever, I can never be the same again, let alone having 3 kids to raise. That's just too much responsibility for me to do it alone. I cannot lose someone again. The more I understand, the more I try to understand my mom's pain. I know I wouldn't go through it the way my mom did. How my mom dealt with my father's passing, there's no word for it.

My mom remarried 6/7 years after my father died, but of course it's not to replace my Dad. Of course it's not the same. She still deals with pretty much everything by herself, she faces every problem by herself like (now) how she's used to. She's the most independent woman I know in my life. She never depends on anyone. We all need companion in our lives (those who choose to live life on their own, I'm not judging). My siblings and I weren't there to witness the ceremony, but deep down we knew that it's what best for Mom and why wouldn't we allow our mother to be happy? Who are we to demand that she should go through the rest of our lives without having a partner to hold every night? That decision should never be our decision. My mom has gone through enough pain to be growing old alone forever. We knew we were growing up so quickly that one day we'd all build our lives/families on our own and my mom would be alone. You can say, "My mom's coming with me wherever I go" but nothing will ever be the same like having a partner. We can never fill that void for her.

Happy Mothers' Day, Mama. There will never be enough 'thank you's to repay what you've done for us. It's amazing that I was made of half of you. Maybe one day I will be as strong as you are. There should be only joy in your life from now on.

Much love,

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