Spending the Night Apart

Friday, 18 September 2015

Hey guys, how are you? When I started out this blog, although I knew in my mind I would write about beauty in the end, it was really personal. This used to be my platform to write personal stories and thoughts, and there were a few of you who were interested enough to read them. If you are here to read about beauty products, I have plenty of posts previous to this one, so feel free to read those! :) As much as I love writing about makeup, and having people excited about certain products the way I do, I also do not want to stop being connected to readers, and somehow wants to keep things still personal, so you know who is writing behind the screen.

That being said, today I'm telling you about the first night my husband and I spend being apart. Since our wedding which was the 28th of March, we never spend a night not sleeping in the same room, not until 2 days ago. He always takes me everywhere he goes, but this time it's quite sudden so he could not take me with him.

It was only for one night, but boy it was awful.

I'm so used to having someone next to me that I spent the night awake, I did not sleep until 4 am. My husband had to sleep in a hotel 1,5 hours away from where we currently live. It's not even far, but I was still alone in our room. It was not a big deal to him, because he had to work, the meeting didn't finish until past midnight, so there's nothing he could do. Between the two of us, it's obvious who's the hopeless romantic and who drowns themselves in feelings. I did not know I would feel this anxious being apart. He barely contacted me, but I knew it's because he was busy and exhausted. So I was there, lying awake in our bed.

I'm just so attached to my husband, he's an extension of who I am. Very few people are sure about forever, but if we were immortal and had to be together for another thousand years, I wouldn't mind spending them with him.

I don't know if the fact that my dad passed away when I was 7 has anything to do with this, but maybe in a way it affects me. I never really understood how my mom felt after my father died. I'm still struggling with his death until this day, but I never thought about how it must be for my mom, not until I decided to marry my husband. There's always this constant fear on the back of my head, knowing that maybe one day he won't be here anymore. Maybe that's why I hate it so much when we have to be apart. We never fought, but everytime I get slightly annoyed at him I keep being reminded of the fact that nothing lasts forever, and how fortunate I am to have him here with me. It's just that I know I won't be able to go on if I have to lose him.

I know this probably sounds overdramatic, but why does this have to be overdramatic? Why is it a problem that I'm so scared to not be with the person I love? Aren't feelings beautiful? A lot of us live lives day by day not realizing they can lose what they have just like that. A lot of us act and think like it's cool to not care, well, what I know is it is beautiful to care. It is beautiful to always hold hands. When I was there lying awake, I thought to myself how beautiful it is for me to actually be able to feel these things, to hate being apart, and I cherish it. Maybe years later when we have kids and I will have to take care of them when my husband is away I won't feel like this anymore. I embrace that maybe I was too in love to think that it's no big deal. This feeling is a luxury because not everyone gets the chance to feel it. Nowadays you hear so much of people saying that you have to be content being alone, and that you have to feel complete having only yourself. Of course, he is not here to complete me. But I don't have to be alone and I don't want to. 

And why am I writing this here? Maybe to remind myself of what I have if one day this feeling slips away.

Much love,

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