How I Found Out I Was Pregnant

Tuesday, 3 October 2017

This story is not going to have a nice beginning, so there's my warning. I have not talked about this publicly, except for on my Twitter which people don't follow or read Twitter anymore. Only very few of my friends knew about this, it's not something that is easy for me to talk about eventhough it happens to a lot of women, so here it goes.

Flashback to beginning of 2017, I started feeling like maybe it's time that we start trying to have a baby. I knew I've always wanted to be a mother, I wanted to have a family, but when we got married I really didn't feel ready. As stable as our relationship was, I was mentally unstable. I couldn't leave something as monumental as having a baby--a human being, up to fate, so we made a conscious decision not to try at the time. I wanted to welcome our baby into a world where they are longed and truly wanted. Anyways, I thought it's good timing, we've been together almost 7 years (including dating), we've had tons of blessings and made a lot of memories just the both of us, I just thought it's time, although I was also quite nervous and still a bit confused. Also, seeing 2 of my close friends had their babies made me REALLY want one.

March 2017 came and it was our 2nd wedding anniversary, not long after that I talked to my husband about it and before we've kind of talked about 'trying' in 2017, but it felt more real at that moment. In April I realized that I wasn't leading a healthy lifestyle, and it would be unfair to my baby if my body wasn't ready to nurture a fetus there would be more possibility for complications and I would've endangered myself as well, it would irresponsible. So starting May, I started working out regularly and cutting out calories and a lot of refined sugar from my diet until I lost about 12kgs and then in my first month of pregnancy (when I still didn't know I was pregnant) I lost 4-5 more kgs. Working out really changed me mentally and not just physically, and I would be more confident around my husband, I would say we had more fun during those months (before I found out I was pregnant) than ever.

And then July 2017 came. At this point of the story I want you to know that for the last 1,5 years before I got pregnant, my menstruation cycle had been irregular, probably because of how unhealthy I was. So by the end of July I haven't had my period yet, a few days later than the approximate time when it usually happened. I thought "Hm, maybe it's because of the change in my lifestyle?" although I'm sure I wasn't working out too much, I didn't do anything extreme. Although at some point I did cut down too many calories which I'm absolutely NOT going to suggest you to do, it does more harm than good. I didn't think anything bad was happening, but I thought there's a possibility I might be pregnant. I took a pregnancy test..... it was negative. I was disappointed but more confused, so why am I not having my period? I told my Mom about it and she told me to go to the doctor and that she hoped I was pregnant. I told her "Udahlah Ma yang penting aku sehat", because not only would I be disappointed if I was really not pregnant, but I didn't want to feel like I let others down too. I thought about postponing going to the doctor, but I ended up booking an appointment the next day.

I worried a little bit but more excited, I really didn't expect to hear anything scary. "Prof, saya terlambat mens tapi test pack negatif. Dalam waktu 2-3 bulan terakhir saya dari nggak pernah olahraga jadi olahraga 3-4 kali seminggu dan turun 12kg. Apa dari itu ya Prof?" So I had transvaginal ultrasound and I was diagnosed with dermoid cyst in my ovary. Size was around 3,5x4x5 cm. May not be considered big but to me it's substantial. Wow. Shocked. Didn't expect that at all. In my lifetime I'm blessed enough that I never got admitted to the hospital, even when I had dengue fever my Mom took care of us at home. So this is the first time I heard something like this and it scared me. At that point I wanted to cry but I held back tears. My husband was also confused and tried to hold my hand tightly but I put my hand away because I knew I would cry. My doctor told me I needed surgery, but he assured me that it wasn't an emergency and then he said "Paling beberapa hari lagi mens" maybe because he saw the thickening of my uterine lining, but he also said he saw no signs of pregnancy. I asked if it could affect fertility and he said it could. Wow. We told him we had 2 trips planned (Melbourne in August and Italy in September) and he told us surgery could wait until October except if there was emergency situation. We went to the car and I broke down because I was scared. My tumor is benign and rarely develop into cancerous tissue, but both my late Dad and Grandma passed away from cancer, so I probably have the genes. I panicked and would burst into tears at any moment.

It may be trivial for some people because a lot of women have cysts, but for someone who's going through it it doesn't make it any less scary. For a couple of days I was upset but then I thought "Dalam hidupku aku sudah banyak sekali dapat berkat, aku nggak ingin berlarut-larut" and I would feel better. After that we kind of stopped trying because we were afraid it would hurt me. I held on to what my doctor said and waited for my period but come August and my period wasn't happening. Our trip to Melbourne was in mid-August and maybe 1-2 weeks before that I started getting nausea and fatigue. It gradually got worse that I would get nauseous in the morning UNTIL late at night. I would have no energy to get up from bed and would lay pretty much all day. I thought "Oh maybe my cyst is acting up and getting worse now that it's affecting me this way" I didn't think I was pregnant at all and was probably blocking the thought because I didn't want to have hopes just to be disappointed.

During the entire flight duration from Jakarta to Melbourne and Melbourne to Jakarta I would get SOOOO nauseous and lightheaded I was miserable. I didn't eat anything on the plane because even the smell would offend me. Mornings in Melbourne were tough because we wanted to walk around and see places but I really would not have any energy in the mornings. But I got up and thought it was just my cyst acting up. My husband would worry but we did a lot of things and made beautiful memories there in the end (not as much as we usually do because I would get tired and needed to sit more often). I could not eat a lot and would only eat specific meals.

When we came home I told my husband "Mungkin mesti test pack lagi kali ya" so my husband bought two. But I don't know why I didn't do it, maybe because I didn't want to be disappointed. We went to the doctor again to check my cyst because the next month we planned a big trip to Italy so we wanted to make sure I was okay to go and then have surgery, not really expecting anything else. Told him my symptoms "Prof, waktu akhir Juli Prof bilang tunggu saya mens, tapi sampai sekarang belum mens juga, dan saya mual terus pagi siang sore malam, rasanya fatigue aja dan ga ada energi". I went to the ultrasound part of the room and I didn't hear the professor telling my husband "Ah hamil kali" haha. And then there it was! My little bean! The professor smiled and said "Hamil" and I was confused and surprised, I had a "Hah?" moment, actually said "Ah masa sih Prof" and it turned out I was. Pregnant. I teared up right then and there and he said "Lho kenapa" "Kaget Prof". At the time I was 7 weeks pregnant. 7 weeks and I didn't know! I probably could have guessed because of the symptoms but it just didn't click to me. Really was the BEST surprise. Especially since it's such a short amount of time since I found out I had ovarian cyst, I really thought I wouldn't get pregnant until after the surgery, probably safer for me and the baby too. I also got to hear the heartbeat already. So weird. I asked the doctor so what about my cyst, he said I shouldn't worry so much but if I wanted to I could get surgery when my pregnancy is around 4-5 months, or I can get caesarean and they would lift the tumor at the same time. Ok. Still something I was going to worry about during my entire pregnancy haha. I walked out of the room of course feeling happy, but still surprised, confused, it was just so surreal, not something anyone can describe. I thought of how I would tell my Mom, wanted to make a more elaborate surprise for her, but I just ended up calling her in the hospital. She sounded so excited and cried and it made me so happy. That this baby brings joy to a lot of people and not just me.

After I found out, I was still guarded--even until now. I'm happy, but I don't want to be too happy. I realize that there are a lot of things that can go wrong, and the possibility is not insignificant. It's just in my nature I guess. I just kept saying whatever's best for me and my baby, whatever that means. I am now 12 weeks pregnant and knock on wood everything is fine. Had a little pregnancy scare in Italy but it's a story for another time.

I'm sharing this story hoping that it would help some of you and give you hope. That there's going to be a rainbow after the storm. It certainly helps me to read a lot of mom and pregnancy forums (although sometimes scary as well). It's 1:30 AM now so I'm going to log off.

I want to say thank you to everyone who's been lovely and excited for us. Can't wait for this next massive chapter in my life. Hope everything goes well and as planned. <3

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